Presence Over Perfection
by Erin Repasy, MA, LPC; Counselor
December 19, 2025
The holidays have a way of amplifying grief. What might feel manageable during other times of the year can suddenly feel overwhelming. For counselors, caregivers, friends, and family members, it’s natural to want to fix the pain to say the right thing, do the right thing, make it better. But grief doesn’t ask to be fixed. It asks to be witnessed.
Sometimes the most meaningful support begins with stillness. Taking a moment of silence, whether in a counseling session, family gathering, or personal ritual, can create sacred space to honor loved ones who have died. During the holidays, when grief is often “turned up,” this pause can be grounding and deeply validating.
Many people are running on empty at this time of year. They’re emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and navigating expectations that may no longer fit who they are now. This is often a season of reevaluation: What rituals still serve me? Which ones feel heavy or hollow?
You may hear messages like, “You shouldn’t be alone,” when in reality, being alone might be the most comforting choice. Supporting grief means honoring what truly helps, not what others assume should help.
One helpful way to think about supporting someone through grief is the anagram GIFT.
G — Give Your Full Presence
Grieving people often feel lost. Your presence, not your answers, can be profoundly comforting. You do not need the perfect words. You do not need to be perfect. Sitting with someone in their pain, without trying to pull them out of it, helps them feel witnessed and less alone. A helpful reminder here is “no pulling.” Pulling sounds like:
● “At least…”
● “Have you tried…”
● “Others feel this way too…”
Sometimes people ask, “Does anyone else struggle during the holidays?” because they don’t yet trust their own feelings and are seeking external validation. Gently reinforce that their feelings are enough, even if they’re the only one feeling them. People do not need to be fixed because they are not broken. Let them be where they are on their journey.
I — Invite, Don’t Instruct
Invite them to consider what might help them through the holidays, but remember, they are the expert on their own grief. You might ask: “What feels least challenging right now?” or “What would help you get through this day?”
Help them create a plan, often with flexibility:
● Plan A: Attend a family gathering, even if unsure.
● Plan B: Stay home with a favorite movie, comfort food, or leave early if needed.
When people have a Plan B, they often feel safer trying Plan A because they know they have an exit. Encourage a loose plan and remind them: “Let the day be the day.” Feelings may change moment by moment, and that is okay. Offer resources gently, such as:
● David Kessler’s free holiday grief support series
● Keep Breathing by Dr. Kate Truitt
Give them permission to cancel the holidays. No is a complete sentence. “This is how I am doing my grief this year.”
F — Free Them From Pressure
So many people feel imprisoned by holiday expectations, the pressure to perform joy, to be cheerful, to be “digestible” for others. They don’t have to be. Grief doesn’t need to look festive. Be mindful of comparison, grief is unique, and there is no correct timeline.
A phrase that can be incredibly freeing, “You are doing your grief right.” When someone says: “I can’t go to gatherings.” “I can’t put up the tree.” Try adding one word: yet. “I can’t go to gatherings… yet.” It keeps the door open without forcing it. Adding yet while also holding space and validating the emotions in the here and now.
T — Trust That What They Choose Is Enough
Grief looks different for everyone. Build their sense of agency by trusting their choices even when they differ from what worked before. Feelings are not final. What feels impossible today may feel different in the future. Validate what they feel now without rushing them toward what’s next.
Grief also comes in many forms:
● Death
● Divorce
● Pet loss
● Breakups
● Job loss
● Betrayal
● Chronic illness
● Dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnoses
Your role is not to rush healing, but to help them feel their feelings, name them, and know they are seen: “I see how hard this is.” “I see how tough this feels.” “I see you.”
Often, what feels like “stuckness” is actually judgment. The belief that we should be further along. Acceptance of where we are is not resignation; it’s the beginning of movement. And it’s one of the hardest steps. Grief asks for patience, compassion, and presence not solutions. When we offer those, we give one of the greatest gifts possible: a place where grief is allowed to exist.
For some individuals, grief during the holidays can be supported in powerful ways through equine-assisted psychotherapy. Horses are highly attuned to emotion and respond to what is present rather than what is spoken, offering a unique, nonjudgmental connection. For grieving people who feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or exhausted by words, grief therapy with a horse can create grounding, regulation, and safety. Horses invite clients to slow down, notice their bodies, and experience grief moment by moment without pressure to explain or put on an act.
The experiential nature of equine work allows grief to be expressed through movement, presence, and relationship especially helpful during the holidays when emotions can feel intense and hard to put into words. At Take Heart, clients are reminded they are not alone, that their grief is welcome, and that healing can occur through connection, attunement, and being exactly where they are.
Wherever you are at on your journey, we are here for you. Our human and equine team will walk alongside you so you can find hope, healing, and wholeness in your life. You are worth it. Reach out to us today.
